Seth returned to school last week. We are counting down days and I threatened to make a paper chain 77 long that would help us cling to hope as we rip off each chain.
I cant help but feel a bit poorly about my attitude for the last 4 years. Waiting. Holding out. Looking to the future. And very rarely living fully in the present.
I will be a better parent when Seth is home more.
I will spend more time with friends after Seth graduates.
We will do more things as a family when this season is finished.
I cant wait to start _____ when we have more money.
All those statements are true. But they have also been excuses. Excuses not to be fully present.
My seed order came in over the weekend and I am bursting with excitement. I love reading the description of each packet, dreaming of almost purple Gypsy tomatoes, of Jet black Hollyhock, golden yellow zucchini and sweet crisp peas. (I ordered from Bakers Creek Heritage seed company, this is my second year ordering from them and I am so pleased with their company!)
My mind wanders to the day we will own land and how I will fill the pastures with Scottish Highland cattle, Kinder milking goats, Codswold and Icelandic sheep. Trailing behind them will be Indian Runner ducks and a variety of chickens. My children will swing from fruit trees and play games between rows of veggies.


Immediately I feel discontent. My small 1/2 acre yard with little southern sun exposure and its close proximity to the road are disappointing. My small flock of chickens, 1 angora rabbit and bored Great Pyrenees seem to mock my dreams.
How quickly I forget my joy in these pleasures. It was only 2 years ago that I had no garden at all (or at least not one to speak of) 3 little hens and hardly more than a patch of grass for the boys to run on. My dreams were of a bigger yard, a bigger garden, and some distance from the city. And here I am, living my dream of 2 years ago and I can hardly wait for my dream of 5 years in the future to begin. This realization is more depressing than anything. I realize that in 5 years, if I do not change my heart, I will be eventually disappointed with the future as it becomes reality. Something grander and greater will fill my mind and I’ll lose interest with the current. Such is the demise of a dreamer. It is so wonderful to have married a realist that keeps my head from floating away into the clouds.
So as I hold my seed packets, I allow myself to feel the simple joy of knowing I have space for them to grow. I am thankful that I have this opportunity to experiment and learn. I am thankful we live in a place that we are allowed to make our own and do with as we please as long as it benefits the land and the upkeep of our rental. I am so thankful my boys have a yard, that I have an extra bedroom to craft and knit in. I am thankful we have a shop for Seth to build in and share the space with friends.
And after this reflection, I am brimming with grateful tears at what blessings surround me. My dreams have been realized.
So for these next 11 weeks (1 having been finished) I would like to make it my focus to live in my present. To feel the magnitude of all that I have and to face my challenges head on, rather than hide in the hope of the future.










