Seth returned to school last week. We are counting down days and I threatened to make a paper chain 77 long that would help us cling to hope as we rip off each chain.
I cant help but feel a bit poorly about my attitude for the last 4 years. Waiting. Holding out. Looking to the future. And very rarely living fully in the present.
I will be a better parent when Seth is home more.
I will spend more time with friends after Seth graduates.
We will do more things as a family when this season is finished.
I cant wait to start _____ when we have more money.
All those statements are true. But they have also been excuses. Excuses not to be fully present.
My seed order came in over the weekend and I am bursting with excitement. I love reading the description of each packet, dreaming of almost purple Gypsy tomatoes, of Jet black Hollyhock, golden yellow zucchini and sweet crisp peas. (I ordered from Bakers Creek Heritage seed company, this is my second year ordering from them and I am so pleased with their company!)
My mind wanders to the day we will own land and how I will fill the pastures with Scottish Highland cattle, Kinder milking goats, Codswold and Icelandic sheep. Trailing behind them will be Indian Runner ducks and a variety of chickens. My children will swing from fruit trees and play games between rows of veggies.
Immediately I feel discontent. My small 1/2 acre yard with little southern sun exposure and its close proximity to the road are disappointing. My small flock of chickens, 1 angora rabbit and bored Great Pyrenees seem to mock my dreams.
How quickly I forget my joy in these pleasures. It was only 2 years ago that I had no garden at all (or at least not one to speak of) 3 little hens and hardly more than a patch of grass for the boys to run on. My dreams were of a bigger yard, a bigger garden, and some distance from the city. And here I am, living my dream of 2 years ago and I can hardly wait for my dream of 5 years in the future to begin. This realization is more depressing than anything. I realize that in 5 years, if I do not change my heart, I will be eventually disappointed with the future as it becomes reality. Something grander and greater will fill my mind and I’ll lose interest with the current. Such is the demise of a dreamer. It is so wonderful to have married a realist that keeps my head from floating away into the clouds.
So as I hold my seed packets, I allow myself to feel the simple joy of knowing I have space for them to grow. I am thankful that I have this opportunity to experiment and learn. I am thankful we live in a place that we are allowed to make our own and do with as we please as long as it benefits the land and the upkeep of our rental. I am so thankful my boys have a yard, that I have an extra bedroom to craft and knit in. I am thankful we have a shop for Seth to build in and share the space with friends.
And after this reflection, I am brimming with grateful tears at what blessings surround me. My dreams have been realized.
So for these next 11 weeks (1 having been finished) I would like to make it my focus to live in my present. To feel the magnitude of all that I have and to face my challenges head on, rather than hide in the hope of the future.
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How well I know the feeling you are describing. Contentment is a slippery and difficult thing to hang on to, especially when life is particularly difficult. Yesterday evening my house was full of people and chaos, and I had this moment of frustration over the disorder mixed with discontent over how much (or rather how little) space we have. However, when I examined that feeling, I realized how shallow it was and how much richer I felt for having friends around me treating my apartment like it was home, and me like I was family. For me, the problem with hanging on to contentment is so much more about forgetting what my real priorities are and getting caught up in what is shiny and new and ultimately temporary.
I really like what you said at the end there. It is not so much about being ‘determined’ to be content as much as it is about focusing on the truly important things in your life. Finding something that fills that void so that we don’t rely on the shiny and new! Superb thoughts. Thanks Samantha!
I have to say that your sentiments eerily match my own right now as we charge into the final semester of Dieter’s graduate school. Pretty much everything you said expresses my heart, minus the chickens and seeds…..I have been working so hard at giving thanks for the things I do have, and remember the saying “Don’t wish your life away.” I am excited for you that Seth’s schooling is ending, and a new chapter is opening up in your life in a few months. I am so glad for the reminder to live in the present!
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I think this is the first time I have commented on your blog.. but I have wanted to so many times. Your posts inspire, ground, and humble me every time I read them. When my brother (Marshall) first told me to check out your blog I fell instantly in love. Your lifestyle seemed to be everything that I desire to have for myself someday. Living life with purpose and joy and appreciating and embracing simple living, living close with nature, nourishing and raising your sweet family with the best of intentions. All my future goals! I feel myself many times getting lost in this dream and disconnected to my life, hear and now. But your honestly and openness about your own struggles gives me so much strength, I can’ t even explain it. I read your blog and look up to you with such awe and admiration of what seem to ME to be such a “perfect” life, exactly as I would want mine to be someday. But when you share your own inner struggles I am inspired to an even higher extent, I didn’t think imaginable before. This post in particular hits it on the head. I have such big dreams yet I know in my heart I am only on the journey to these dreams because of my age, my relationship, my current schooling, and teaching dreams and sometimes I get lost in the fact that it is in fact a journey. I fear sometimes that once I reach my dream, I will still not be satisfied and will only keep dreaming. Reading that you have the same struggles doesn’t frighten me but inspires me and humbles me. It makes me realize that I KNOW that I will never be perfectly satisfied and I will always be a dreamer, thinking about what could be and the endless possibilities of the future but that doesn’t mean I can’t love, enjoy, and embrace my life, here and now, in this present time. It feels good to know that reaching this is not just a struggle for me but for others as well and that struggle is a beautiful part of life that should be embraced. What would life be if everything was perfect all the time, it would probably get a little boring. We appreciate our lives because of our struggles and because of our doubts and uncertainties. It is a true blessing to be given the gift of reflection, and allowing ourselves to look at the future, the past, and the present and allow ourselves to be human and have confusions and uncertainties and learn and grow from these, always on the quest to be a better version of ourselves, knowing we will never reach the perfection of God, but always striving to get closer and closer. I just really felt compelled today to share how much I am inspired by your life and your outlook on the world Lacey and I thank you for sharing it with me and the world and making me feel like I am exactly where I should be, on the beautiful, complex, and imperfect journey of life.
(wow! I realize that was a bit of a novel, sorry about that, but sometimes you just gotta let those feelings pour out! Thanks for listening!)
Thank you for this reminder. I needed it today.
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