I’m not an expert at parenting. Most the time, I feel like I’m just barely treading water, keeping myself from drowning in anxiety as my children dance around me wildly, oblivious to my state of mind. Sometime’s not so oblivious as I bury my head in a pillow and mutter inaudible curse words and sounds of complete exasperation.
Since moving out to the ‘Sticks’, I have been struggling in a new way.
I have dreams.
I have goals.
I have a plan.
Each morning when I wake up (recently Kai has made sure that I rise at 5am!) I have an unwritten list in my head.
It might look something like this:
Breakfast, feed the sourdough, brew more tea for kombucha, hang laundry, water garden, go gather berries, garlic, calendula, gather sticks for bentwood art, try my hand (again….) at making mozzarella, work on knitted sweater for Kai (it was supposed to be done for his birthday, oops) prep dough for second rising, switch laundry over, pay bills, read a chapter on cold frame construction, dinner prep, weed and water the gardens again….
You get the idea.
No where in there is there room for my children, whom inevitably want to be fed, changed, cleaned up after, played with, read to, taught to spell new words, fed again, put down for naps, changed, butts wiped, the occasional melt down…
Again. You get the idea.
I am not the kind of mom that puts alot of energy into figuring out fun crafts, or silly stories, or elaborate lessons on the earths rotation around the sun. Maybe I will be someday.
So my plan of attack has been distraction. Find a way to keep them appeased. Put on a few shows. Put them outside with some sidewalk chalk. Put food in front of them. Turn on the sprinkler. TRY (unsuccessfully) to give them each a toy to play with, without them tearing it out of each others hands. Drag them to the garden and tell Caleb to run around the field while I weed and water. I would try to place Kai on a blanket with a few flowers and grass to occupy him for 5 minutes, until he would cry and try to crawl to me.
This was not working. I want desperately for there to be a flow about our days. For my children to settle into this new rhythm and feel like they’re part of it!
By the end of the day I was disgruntled and tired and had gotten 2 things done on my list halfheartedly and with multiple distractions.
Then a light went on. I’m not sure where this revelation came from, perhaps it was something someone told me ages (or weeks ago…my memory is in a sad state) ago, or perhaps I read it and I had internalized it until now, but either way… I was struck by a thought.
If I want my family to act as one organism, or a unit that works together, than I have to view it and treat it as such. I realize that each person wants to be valued. Everyone wants to contribute, and be appreciated for their input. This works in the workplace, on a team, in a marriage…. and with CHILDREN! Man. Sometimes I am amazed at how much I complicate things sometimes.
My kids don’t want to be pushed to the side, with their own mundane activity. They don’t want to be segregated. They want to be included and know and learn about what I’m doing. They want to be part of what Seth is doing. What we’re trying to accomplish as a family.
Yesterday I decided to test out my new theory. I asked Caleb to help me teach baby sign language to kai. So we watched a few youtube clips together, and I asked Caleb to remember the signs and help Kai with them. He did them all. day. long. He asked me to push his carseat next to Kai’s as we drove to the farm to pick up milk. They giggled and signed and held hands the whole way. Caleb would feed him snacks and water and try to console him when he was upset.
When we got home, I sat kai on the lawn next to me while Caleb and I stripped plum shoots of their leaves. We gave the leaves to Kai to play with and then I made a bentwood fence around my herb garden with the branches.

The hideous dry patch behind Caleb is where I’m prepping space for my garden next year with Coffee grounds, clippings, mulch and such.


At one point Caleb decided to go pretend he was a warrior with a sword and protect our lawn against bad guys.
I fought the urge to tell him to finish helping me, but I want him to be a willing participant in this family. Not forced. And I realized that he would rather go play and be imaginative on his own, rather than have a set time for ‘creativity and outside play’. The kids played with a branch for 30 minutes. Caleb sat and ‘read’ a book silently on the couch for 1 hour while Kai napped and I climbed the plum tree out front to collect plums and branches. He played chase with Kai for several minutes while I got dinner ready. They played with chalk on the patio while I hung laundry to dry. Occasionally Caleb would ask to help, and I would oblige. Within 15 minutes he would become distracted from his task and want to go play. I didn’t have to TELL him to go play!

As he gets older, I’ll expect him to finish tasks and have his own set of responsibilities, but for now, he’s not even 4 yet!
I realized that this means I will have to sit on the floor and help him fold his clothes, rather than ask him to keep out of the laundry basket as I try to put his clothes away.
It means I will have to stop and show Kai how to stack tupperware (yes, there is still some plastic in my house) instead of groan with frustration and pick up each piece as he throws it out of the drawer.
I am going to have to slow down as I walk through the field to show Caleb different plants, tell them their names, spell them out, explain their purpose and why we value them instead of yell back at him to hurry up and keep up with me.
It means my life is going to be messier and more unorganized, but I think it’s going to work better this way. Rather than fight against each other and have separate activities all the time, we can work together and at the same time learn from one another.
Of course, I don’t think it’s wrong to plan and set aside activities for them. I just think that should be the exception and not the rule. At least in this house!
I feel that each day, my children teach me more than I will ever be able to teach them.
July 30th, 2010 by Lacey | 5 Comments »